Measuring Success In The Form Of Sunlight

What defines a successful day? For me it’s going outside. Something so simple and pleasant and yet sometimes I become so frozen by the thought. I can see the sunlight that pours through my windows, the curtains thrown wide. The warmth on my skin would be so treasured, the breeze lifting my hair and swirling my wide leg trousers, blissful.

And yet sometimes I don’t manage it. I pace my flat and wind myself up with paradoxical decision making ‘well if I go outside now I have to complete x y and z first otherwise it will mess up my schedule’ ‘what if I see someone I know with my hair up and my face make up free’ ‘I should paint my nails before I can wear those flip flops’

I set myself a set of crystal maze challenges before I even get my shoes on. But why? When I know the simple outcome of sun on my face is enough feel better about my day?

I think it comes down to expectations and insecurity. For most of my adult life I have harboured a strong sense of destain for my appearance. It has only been recently that I have been letting my skin be seen makeup free, hair tangled and nails undone. I am making a conscious effort in this bid for confidence and self growth to confront my insecurities head on (quite literally)

It is amazing how deeply entrenched the desire to be desirable can be. Reflected around me in magazines growing up were all the reasons for me to never leave the house. I felt ashamed to inhabit my soft body, my wide hips growing daily, my height stopped somewhere around age 11. I found myself pulling at paunchy arms, despising my wobbly legs. I hid like a vampire in the summertime, jeans holding onto my clammy teenage body, my arms hidden in a hoody, my face covered by my hair. It took me years of my young adult life to soothe and support myself and convince myself I was worthy of the sea, I was worthy of flowers and worthy of being seen, really seen.

I found my sense of self through others, different bodies to my own, the women who lifted me, the men who tore me back down. I saw myself reflected with love and care and discarded all who made me feel lesser, made me feel hurt. I took myself from them and curated imaginary characters, the funny one, the ginger one, the curvy one.

But still they were characters.

It took me until I was 27 to get my arms out in the sun. A vest top so simple. Free at last, the wind whipping over me. That summer I breathed. I drank in the sunlight and I became drunk with it. I realised for the first time what it felt like to be myself, living and nurturing a body I was learning to love and caress and be kind to. I found myself wearing dresses and slipping on cycling shorts (if someone had told teenage me the answer to life’s chaff was cycling shorts I would have kissed you) breezy and happy at long last.

So recently I have been working on a new project. The project of being undesirable. At least for myself. I have build a mask of identity, red lips, eyeliner, strong brows snd tanned skin. And I love it and playful make up makes my heart sing. I also love to see people be completely free, no make up, full make up, tattoos on faces, anything and everything we are is so unique and special to me. I started to find myself wishing to look like my made up reflection. Or worst, the filters I would place over the top of them. All of these playful objects, designed to make me not me. My expectations when I looked in the mirror became disjointed and disappointing. I found myself still wrapped up in teenage angst again. So here I find myself with a challenge. I have been going out, entirely make up free. And it scares me. And more than it scares me, it thrills me. I love to shimmy around, autonomous and powerful, i love to look at people in my natural skin and see their reactions, so kind and positive and unwavering from when I am wearing a full face of makeup. It is empowering to be red as a lobster at the gym, sweat seeping into my eyes, grunting as I run the treadmill and feel no desire to impress anyone. I am there to strengthen my mental health, grow my strong legs and grunt and sweat like an animal. And right now I have never felt better, more strong, more desirable. Sometimes I imagine teenage me huddled in her clothes that confined her and I want to say to her, we made it darling, we are free.

So today I think it’s time to say goodbye to something that confines you, that stops you from doing what makes you feel successful whatever it may be. If it’s leaving the house, grab you keys and go. It it’s watching telly without guilt put on Waterloo Road from series one on BBC Iplayer. If its calling you that debt collector you have been putting off for months, believe me you can do it and you will feel so much better once you do. I also invite you to practise compassion for where you are at with your heart and mind right now. Do not berate yourself for making small steps, or even just making one. I am so proud of you. It takes a long time practising how to respond to what your heart needs in this moment right now. We can all fall away from ourselves and forget we are just babies in this world. There is so much to be found around you if you begin to look soon. So much growth to be had. Baby steps my darling.

Now get those arms out, get into the sunlight and let the sunshine kiss your beautiful skin and don’t even bother to fix that nail polish.

You deserve the sunlight.

All the best my darlings, until next time.

Love Bitsifind x