I Haven’t Cried In Awhile, Maybe Mercury Isn’t In Retrograde

So I haven’t cried in awhile. Which is a tad bit of exaggeration because I cried the Saturday before last but it was vodka induced and not at all reflective of my inner most state of being.

Which is strange, I am suspicious of this calmness. I keep thanking the universe for these times of peace and clarity. Thank you I want to say, for bringing me serenity in the form of my flat, thank for the food And the warm company, thank for you for the kind weather and keeping my electric on. Thank you for listening to me when I needed you so much.. but what’s the catch?

For a woman who cried at a bus driver not picking her up once when the rain was hammering down and the pathetic feelings of being such an invisible senseless human lay heavy on my shoulders, or the time when my landlord raised the rent and the council billed me £500 on the same day, only to get to the train station (I was on my way to a date) and realise I hadn’t picked up my return journey ticket which still sat nestled in the Portsmouth and Southsea ticket machine and promptly burst into a collapse of baby tears in a heap in the lap of my date who reassured me with soft words of wisdom, I need to ask the universe ‘is this the calm before the storm?’

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about capacity. About how we have the ability to carry on at our very weakest to look back months later and realise that is where we have been strongest. How when you are down on your knees head slung forwards and sobbing is the very foundation of your healing process. Questions for the universe starting with ‘why, what, when?’ symbolic of your ever present need for acknowledgment, seeking some higher existence to have permission to move forward with your life.

At my very lowest my movements would be minimal. I would set my alarms early enough to wake up and cuddle with Phoebe, curse the world for another day and crawl from bed to my small bathroom where I wouldn’t confront my reflection. Teeth brushing. Hair brushing. Socks and a big top. Size XXXXL if it was available. Tea always, food if I could manage it. The bus. Always the bus. Work. The bus. Dinner. Bed by 8pm to avoid the ‘why, what, when?’ Sleep, heavy dark sleep. Same again the next day, again and again.

Slowly and after much back and forth it is like the sun is coming up over my life, the shadows being chased away. My capacity for self care is so much higher, I used to operate on such a low frequency, power saving mode. Depression is a heavy suitcase to pull around. It’s nice to leave it under the bed and forget about it as much as I can. Deep inside it still sits around my heart, but I seem to be able to cope with it more now. Instead of laying blame and shaming myself I embrace my low frequency days. Brush teeth, brush hair, socks and big T-shirt, tv. Minimal movement, food. Small acts of self care.

Now fast towards a few months. Self care feels a lot like love. Brush teeth, brush hair, style hair. Big T-shirt but now with more accessories and intent to leave the house. Walking to work. The gym after. Taking Phoebe on a determined dog walk. Chit chat with other dog walkers. Frizbee. Dating. Seeing friends, going for drinks, dressing up. Looking in the mirror. Being kind with my inner monologue. Flowers and flowers and flowers. Good food. Phone calls to sort out bills, face to face appointments with important people who can help me sort out my life. Making a linked in profile and extending out my creative energy, looking for illustration jobs. Spending more time on art and less time worrying about the future. Just living for the today, everyday.

I am trying to live intentionally with this self care, this narrative. I am going to wait and see what happens when I take the drivers wheel of my life and try and make things happen. But I am also ready with that XXXXL T-shirt and socks and tv for when I am ready to operate on that low frequency when needed.

For the meantime I am trying not to startle my level minded mood, don’t creep up on her or she will get frightened. Just be gentle here.

I hope you are taking care of yourself at whatever capacity you are in my reader, I hope you have your big T-shirt ready, there is not a moment that matters more that this one right now you reading this, you understand your need for self love and capacity needs to be a priority for your well being. Take it. Operate on whatever frequency you are on. Don’t judge yourself for not doing more or giving yourself permission to do less.

Do what you can and add to it when you are ready, you will be ready sooner that you think. You are doing great.

Until next time babies,

Love from Bitsifind x