If Stealing From The Park Is Wrong Then I Don’t Wanna Be Right
Today I walked through the park. The sun beamed down on me and a breeze danced my oversized T-shirt around my body. My sunglasses hide my eyes and there is a bottle of water under my arm. I am walking blissfully feeling in tune with my inner monologue. My mantra recently has been what will be will come to you. So far that has been good weather and council tax bills that I can’t pay, so it’s swings and roundabouts.
Initially when the bill dropped through my letter box I was scared. And more than scared I felt furious. Furious that I worked all month to lose all my money to my recently raised rent. Angry at my inability to keep on top of bills when I work as much as I can to keep myself afloat. Annoyed that I can’t seem to manage money no matter what I do or how I distribute it to various bills and utilities. Exhausted from the anger I cried at my mums kitchen table. When, I wanted to shout, would this get easier? There are so many things like this that cause me such distress, often I will find myself merrily spending my time, only to have an unexpected water bill drop through my letterbox or my phone bill rejected from my empty Monzo bank account for not the first time this year and I am sent into a overwhelmed state of coping. And by coping I mean I put my hands up to my eyes, cover them completely and like a baby I hope the council tax police can’t see me while I can’t see them.
Today I received a phone call, dubiously I picked up. Cold callers and fraudsters seem to target me since I signed up for a freebie Vanish dishwasher sample pack 2 months ago. It was The Council. My heart sank. The other foot had finally dropped. Like a conman caught in the act I poised myself for a expensive payment plan and a court date. I waited. The lady on the phone was kind and introduced herself as Lynn. She went on to tell me she was a support worker for the council and told me she would help me get my life in order, she would help me fill out the forms I couldn’t bare to face, she would call the council to help me find an affordable plan, she would help me organise my debts into manageable segments, she would help me get the mental health support I need and what services could help me get back on my feet. I cried in the park as we spoke on the phone, I thanked her through tears and relief as she promised to call me next week. We parted ways through my crying and her telling me how proud she was of how I have been doing through this part of my life. The trees rustled and birds sang in the end of our call, the sun winked through the leaves. And I felt relived. A weight has been lifted and shared, finally I feel like I will be able to get my life in order so things will become more manageable, bills will come out at the same time each month, the council tax will be paid, the credit card police will not be knocking at my door. I feel like I could cry still. It feels amazing that someone so kind will help me. I feel so grateful in this moment of sunlight. I have needed this help for a long time. I breathe. Things will get easier soon.
What I wanted to share today was this. Please reach out for help if you are struggling, in any way. The kindest people exist at the very moments you need them most. There is support out there to be found, it is so hard when you are feeling overwhelmed to see it, to feel it, or to even feel like you are deserving of it. But please do it. I wish I had done it years ago.
As I sat in the sun, my skin turning pink and my freckles appearing, a smile in my heart forming, I understood I needed to remember this moment today, this small moment of hope. A rhododendron tree swayed above me. Lilac flowers shimmered and danced in the wind. A branch of flowers had broken at the stem. I stood and eye level with the broken branch I rose my hand to the wound. A gentle pull and she was mine. Greedily I put her in my bag. Like a thief in the night I fluttered home, the vase sat empty. Water splashed into the glass, the flowers placed with purpose and posed neatly against the glass. I look at them and smile. It’s all going to be okay.
Until next time babies,
Love Bitsifind x