Taking My Time To Contemplate
I really crave a houseplant. A huge formidable imposing leafy houseplant. And a pink sofa. No, a green one. Maybe a pink sofa with green pillows. Vice versa. Wallpaper wallpaper wallpaper. A LAMPSHADE, how did I not notice the bare bulb? I need to get to wilco with immediate effect. I need a bus. A taxi! A UBER. Yeeeeeees. I will be in wilco SO soon. Shall I consider wallpaper first? Pinterest.
Pinterest. Oh what a tricky devil you are. The CEO of dreamers FOMO. The living rooms I will never languish in. The warehouse I have yet to inhabit in my early 20s (despite the fact my early 20s have passed and now I am in my early 30s) Wine to share over candlelit second hand tables with close friends who are french. A thousand lives, a thousand possibilities. Tell me now people, how do you narrow down your life to just one pathway? How do you work out what lampshade to buy? And be happy?
I have moved house 27 times. An extraordinary amount for any 31 year old I assure you. A big family strapped for cash and London rentals meant we were always on the move. Perpetually living from half unpacked cardboard boxes and sharing bedrooms well into adult years. In one house I slept in the garage, it was like a makeshift small apartment that would have rented for £900pcm had it been listed on Zoopla. I don't begrudge any of this moving mind you, aside from the absolutely exhausting, and sometimes mind bogglingly fast, moving days, it's been a hoot. I enjoyed and valued every space. It has given me no fear of change. And strangely it has had the opposite effect to the one I expected. I always felt I yearned for a mortgage to place myself on the property ladder and sit there firmly in my two bed semi, unyielding to anyone who might approach me for valuations and sale potential. Instead I have a yearn to see more. To be more. To have an ADVENTURE. It's no wonder I can't pick a lampshade. I desire to live a thousand lives. Or 973 lives if you minus the ones I've already lived.
Somehow I must find a desire and follow it. I must see a destination ahead and map my route to it. I can still be spontaneous and settled, I can still be reckless and routine. I can find comfort in the known as well as what is yet to be seen. Surely it is time to actually find a home and live in it. Make it my own with posters and lava lamps. A ratty coffee table or two. And finally decide on a pink or green sofa.
PLOT TWIST
I wrote this blog a year ago and you will be relieved to know I finally decided on what colour sofa I wanted (green) and what colour sofa my landlord won’t put into storage (black) and that you can have as many different lampshades as you like and I have a plethora of houseplants. I settled down in balmy Southsea for awhile, the sea air doing my heart the world of good. Yet, I crave adventure once more. There is something in me recently that yearns with determination in a way my heart never has. Instead of the erratic way my heart used to jump from place to place, my heart is taking stock. We are slowly working toward goals instead of leaping in feet first into the deep end, now we take things into deep consideration, it is relieving to be taking our time. Such a new phase in my life to feel capable and quietly strong. I used to feel so afraid of never having the things I wanted, I see now that I am the reason things happen. That if I consider and truly plan I am able to reach the stars, or at least an allotment.
I wish to see music and dance into the night, I want to drink wine and smoke cigarettes and kiss at midnight, I want to have dirty hands and nails as I dig into dark earth planting tulips and potatoes and wet feet from the hose pipe, I want to run with phoebe and learn to bake bread. I want to paint and draw and work with big clients and little ones alike. I want to write books and illustrate them and have them published. I want to swim in the sea. I will have these things because I believe so wholeheartedly in myself at long last. I believe in the pace of my life and my choices and my strength. I am free.
It feels nice to know whether I end up in Spain, Bristol, Southsea or anywhere my heart desires, there will always be lampshades, flowers, pink or green sofas, and me. My heart. Always.
Until next time babies,
Love Bitsifind x