Cohabiting With My Sleep Paralysis Demon And Unlocking The Ancient Secrets of ADHD

I took Phoebe out today to the fields behind my mums house, the clouds were rolling in as she pulled me up the hill, her haunches strong and muscly. As I walked I took in the green around me, wild wisteria and nettles. I have been feeling heavy in my chest again this week. I feel like a stranger is occupying my body and my mind isn’t my own. I think back to the sleep paralysis demon I asked to get in my body in a moment of madness a few months ago (I was desperate to sleep as I had work early and Phoebe was up half the night chewing anything that made a satisfying ripping sound, including my landlords walls and my passport) and how I willingly offered my body for cohabitation without ever asking him to sign a contract stating when his tenancy would end. Is this great cloud of depression that overwhelms my soul actually just the unwelcome return of the demon under my skin? If so I hope we can learn to live together in harmony soon and stop with the emotional discourse.

As Phoebe took me through the roads winding to the park the wind pushing against us I started to enjoy the pace of our trudging. How reliable this little creature has been to my survival over the past year. How vital. She relies on me for this routine of ours and so do I. How many walks have I been on with her now where my emotions have been fraught or strained or even in more worrying moments, non existent? I wonder how many times we have battled the elements, the storms both metaphorical and literal? I chat to her absent-mindedly, ‘stop here’ or ‘its a beautiful day isn’t it Phoebe’ or her personal favourite ‘You are my best friend and such a good girl’

We have been through a lot together.

We walked along the pond together, Phoebe always the leader. I ask her where she wants to go, I follow where she choses. Its a question I have been asking myself a lot recently. Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be? I am seemingly going through a transformative state where for the first time I am free to make choices that reflect my own desires. My heart still is calling me to rest, over the past couple of days I have been really struggling with executive dysfunction (are you proud of me for adding a handy little link? Learning new things every day baby!) particularly the difficulty of motivating myself and initialising concepts. I feel like I just don’t know where to get started recently. Everything feels overwhelming.

For instance, yesterday I sat on my phone for approximately 2 hours. All the while I scrolled I told myself that I had things to do that were time sensitive and necessary. But then I would reply to a message. Then panic about money. Then play gala bingo. Then ring mum. An hour passed. The phone remained at extension on my arm, the metaphorical pirate hook of our modern day, the shark? Social media. And like my hand, I am consumed.

This as you can imagine and probably experience, is a real hinderance when it comes to unlocking the accident secrets of ADHD and how to free yourself from its paralysing grasp. Recently I have found myself in a constant state of stress, it exists just beneath the surface of my skin and settles somewhere just above my heart. I feel it jump any time a letter is in the pigeon hole in the communal hallway addressed from SSE or Portsmouth Council. I feel it prick behind my eyes when people talk about money flippantly, tears threatening always. I find myself unable to to prioritise or organise life into manageable pieces, unable to rationalise which of my high octane tasks need doing first. The dishwasher needs unloading, but the washing needs doing. But to do both I have to clear the sides. But to clear the sides I need to sort the cupboards. But first I have to go to work. And then walk the dog. And somewhere I must find some time to eat. But I need to load the dishwasher. And then maybe some artwork. In fact only artwork. How many messages need replies on my phone? Social life? Love life? Hoovering? Ring the council (But first I have to ring EE and get them to unblock my phone) Round and round we go, please keep all arms, heads and legs inside the vehicle at all times, this ride is gonna be a bumpy one.

Alternatively, stop the world. I’m getting off.

I am devising a method. And don’t laugh because the concept is so simple.
’I am only going to do ONE thing a day’
Yes you heard it here first folks, one thing a day. A little tiny simple thing.

I am going to hack my ADHD and depressive tendencies and lend my heart to their natural flows of not being able to prioritise mixed with the cocktail of exhaustion and lack of motivation but a serious injection of fun fun fun by making A MEGA LIST of all the tasks I have to do and just doing them (now you are going to really love this) ONE AT A TIME.

I know you are shocked. I’ll give you a second to breathe.

So this is my first task of the day. To take Phoebe on a walk and throw her frisbee, I do it to see the joy it creates for her. It creates joy for us both. And as other worries and commitments entered my lungs I breathed them out heavily, pushing the stress away from my chest. Things can wait. This is my only priority. Every time my mind wandered to hard edged spaces, I bought myself back to that field to watch my small dog proudly parading her purple frisbee, her feet stumbling as she hurried to get back to me for another throw. And you know what? It started to rain. And not just rain, it thundered down around us, the only two creatures in that open space. And Phoebe ran in joy and for a moment I thought about racing home and back to the warmth. But I dedicated myself to this plan and this priority. This dog. And I ran too. And together we played in the rain, her upturned smile large, her tongue rolling out. My eyes closed with laughter, my heart pounding with adrenaline and joy. For a moment I was wild. For a moment I felt like myself again, just happy, just carefree.

This feeling held me today. We came home and got dry, hot water bottles for both. A nap for Phoebe and artwork making for me, something I would have felt unable to do without this one thing to ‘unlock’ me. It seems I am able to focus on other tasks far easier if I do ‘just one thing a day’ I had it the other day too. I spent my morning pacing backwards and forwards across my kitchen unable to take my recycling downstairs for no discernible reason. My mind felt littered with worries about bill paying and getting my printer working. And then I pushed that all to the side. And I filled the dishwasher instead. Suddenly I was unburdened. I could only focus on the task at hand, the monotonous unloading and reloading of the dishes. After I felt capable. I raced that recycling downstairs. I rang the council. I fixed the printer. I was unstoppable.

It must be something in the dopamine. A small task when in paralysis has enough dopamine in it to propel me onto my other daily tasks. It makes me feel in charge and capable. It makes me feel like at least I have done ONE thing that seemed really hard and difficult. And these simple manual tasks help me to catalogue and manage my emotional state, what is true and false about my narrative and how if I can do this one thing I can ‘unlock’ myself and enjoy my day.

Slowly I am returning to myself. It isn’t easy to carry this feeling around my body. It feels nice to find small ways to put it down and rest for awhile. So this too I encourage you to try. If you can’t manage a shower, just brush your teeth. If you can’t find a outfit wear something easy and cosy. Try and lessen the tasks your set for yourself into bite sized chunks and not the whole cake.

This is the rule to unlocking the ancient secrets of ADHD (cohabiting with your sleep paralysis demon to follow)

Firstly I want you to take a notebook and write everything (and I do mean everything) in a big list. At this point it doesn’t need order. Just write it all out and get it out of your head, worries belong on paper not inside your heart.

For example:

Phone the council
Load dishwasher
Sort out clothes in the drawers
Email about print order
Draw for fiverr clients
Fix printer
Paint vase
Go to the post office
…

And now just pick the simplest one and usually for me that’s loading the dishwasher. Do it. Take your time doing it. Enjoy doing it. And then when it’s done take a 5 minute rest. Reward yourself with something, chocolate, a tv show, a five minute sit down. Anything. And then I want you to chose one that you have been putting off. Phone the council, something in the serotonin the dishwasher task will give you will enable you to make a difficult task easier. And then when you have done that you deserve a nice rest. You did it. Rinse and repeat over the next couple of days and watch that list become easier, smaller, gone. This is something that is helping me tremendously at the moment. I hope it is something that will help you too. Or at least help you take the pressure off. Work with your low energy, not against it.

Now for the real reason you’re here. The cohabitation of the sleep paralysis demon. All I can say is this. They enjoy regular snacks, like cookies and crisps. Lots of naps are imperative to the demons good cheer. You must make sure to go out in the sunlight so he can feel rested. Metal music is non-negotiable. You must drink tea where possible and just be kind to yourself and in turn be kind to him.

Or alternatively ask him to leave you alone next time, this isn’t a holiday let.

I hope this little insight into my bitsifind mind has been helpful this week, I would love to hear from you in the comments about your coping mechanisms or techniques on how to deal with motivation or depression or anything really, I would just love to hear from you, you and YOU!

Until next time babies,

Love from,

Bitsifind x