Mercurys In Retrograde AGAIN and I Have Lost My Marbles…

Hello babies! It feels like it has been a while even though it has only been a couple of weeks. Can it truly be September already? I am already sensing a turning of the tide. It is currently grey outside with a sprinkling of sun, the wind is constant and strong.

Today I wear my hair in a clip high upon my head, my big tshirt gathering in a pool of fabric over my belly and hips and the sleeves flap when I type. It comforts me. My bold black eyeliner strikes along my eyelids and my large mock gold tin earrings tickle at my neck. I sense a good day. And thank god. Because recently my days have been littered with sadness and guilt.

You think I would know by now that a storm is brewing in my heart. It usually starts with something simple. A missed bill. A sharp comment. A rumination. This was a collection of problems that had been building for a while. No money. Rising costs. A huge washing pile. Not enough free time. Not enough sleep.  My brain has felt so heavy lately with the things I have experienced and seen and now have to overcome. One misunderstood comment takes me to a place of complete fight or flight mode, my fists clenched and my jaw hard, ready to spit fire. It is a horrible place to be, to be unable to reconcile with your friends and loved ones that the moments that are offhand come to me so harshly, comments covered in barbed wire. Recently I have been feeling the urge to create a sign that I can hold up in front of everyone and it will say ‘Hollie will be back in 3 to 7 business days and requires understanding and patience during this time, she will be back to regular scheduling as soon as possible.’

I cannot describe the dark that comes over my heart when I feel sad. It is like an unshakeable grey, wrapped around everything, keeping me from everyone. I feel like I cannot describe to people the extent of it for fear it will be too much, too heavy. The guilt that comes from that heaviness doesn't help me either, in fact that pushes me further from what I need and what I need is to be nurtured, to feel connected. Grounded. The Grey that takes hold of me dominates my wellbeing, my work life, my art and my relationships. I do my best to shake it off with a blaise commentary ‘haha just feeling a little low today, it will pass, no worries, teehee.’ when actually I am just prolonging the chaos that follows. The storm that is building.

Recently I ran in the park. After a misunderstanding I found myself angry. I was angry for the past versions of me who have been made to feel so small when just having the bravery to be myself. Ex partners who told me to shush when I spoke too loudly. Who told me to shut up when I tried to explain my hurt. Who walked away from me when I tried to express my heartbreak. How crazy they made me out to be when I addressed any of these issues. How childish and sensitive.  How nothing they made me feel. And how I refuse to ever feel lesser. To ever feel like I should be anyone other than my complete loud, messy, fun self. And so on a sunny afternoon I found myself running in the park. I played metal music through my ears, my feet hitting against the concrete painfully as I drove my legs forward. I ran as fast as I could. But when I would stop, The Grey would climb on my shoulders, weigh me down, remind me it still had me. Still had hold of me. So I ran and ran. Eventually I stopped and I wheezed and in my wheezing I cried. The insignificance I felt in this big world. How much I wanted to explain to everyone ‘this isn't how I usually am, this isn't who I want to be.’ Trying again to dismiss my feelings, to lessen them. To make them smaller. Repeating patterns laid out to me from people of my past.

Stop it.

I began to breathe. To explain to the world that I would get better soon, that I wouldn’t always feel this grey. And I cried and cried and I even kicked a wall. I felt frustrated that I am always on a journey and never at the destination. And the world whispered back to me and rubbed my shoulders and said ‘maybe you just need to feel this. Maybe this is part of your journey. Your discovery. There is no need to push this grey away or to explain it to me or to anyone, to make your feelings smaller to carry them in your pocket. You have no need to justify it, you can just feel this.’

And I did. And for the first time I began to realise that the reason I explain or the reason I dismiss is because that is what others have done to me. A full circle. Instead of my nothingness being reaffirmed to me by external sources I now found myself in their shoes. And you know what I learned on that run? I need to change my mindset. I need to allow myself to exist in this feeling without having to justify it or having to push it away or explain it to anyone. I don't need to reassure anyone that this feeling isn't normal. Right now this IS my normal. And that is okay. There is no need to feel guilty over something that is already heavy to carry, instead I need to learn to let others help me. By being honest without guilt. By saying to people that I am unwell and need support. And in doing so I alleviate the stress associated with feeling and in doing so I honor my feelings, making them easier to manage.


This week has been something of a revelation for me. I have had a week off work and in that time I have cried, slept so much and made art. I have signed up to a new contract with a wholesale website and have started working on commissions I had been saving myself for. I sent off for some prints I had such executive dysfunction over. And most importantly, that run.

Rest is so important. I am discovering that more and more. That pressure from external places can become so heavy if you don’t put them down for a while. I have been seeking community spaces recently to feel connected. Coffee shops. Libraries. Art Studios. Parks. Places that feel calming and grounding. Places that feel safe and calm. I spent time in the grass drawing flowers this week. Lost in the noise of birds and insects. My feet bare. This is what I wrote in my diary.

‘Maybe just for a little while getting outside is exactly what you need. We forget with the hustle and bustle of regular life that we are people connected to nature. We surprise ourselves when we proclaim ‘I love it here’ or ‘it feels so good to be in the open air’ because we have forgotten that our bodies belong to the Earth we walk on.

Our world is so heavily dominated by our corporate lives steering us and guiding us toward big ideals: 'owning a house’ ‘building a business’ ‘making money’ we forget that at the very soul of us we just want to feel connected and loved and nurtured. This week I returned to nature. My feet in the grass and my skin with the sun. My heart with the flowers drawing and drawing. And I feel lighter and more connected to myself than I have in a long while. Get in that grass baby.’


I think it is time to learn that it is okay to feel exactly what it is I feel without guilt and shame but just actually embracing it. To explain to friends and loved ones very simply that I am feeling unwell at the moment without making promises or proclamations of ‘getting better’ without better being the goal. To actually just sit in this stage of my life and allow it to be. To actually feel all my feelings without pushing them away or making them lesser. With actually saying to myself that this is how I will feel like myself. By actually allowing myself to just be. And while I feel like this I must take time to get out in nature. To take my shoes off and spend time with the flowers and allow the birds to wash over me. To draw. To journal. To feel.


I hope for all of you out there this resonates with you in some way. That you can reflect and step into your feelings in whatever way makes you feel safe and nurtured. To make yourself bigger by embracing and not lesser by dismissing. You are allowed to feel however you need to feel in order to feel like yourself. It is all important. You are not alone. I am not alone. There is so much to be found in this part of your life. There is so much YOU in this part of your life.

Get in that grass, Baby.

Thanks for reading babies,

Until next time,

Love Bitsifind x