The Great Unmasking Of Hollie Foskett

Today I felt like an alien at work. Jokes landing poorly and confused looks, interrupting people at the wrong point in the sentence, unable to concentrate. The other day I found myself overwhelmed hidden behind a clothing rail unable to make eye contact with the human race when my manager snapped at me to help the customers. Embarrassed, I did. At this point I find myself feeling like I have descended from a faraway planet with a costume of a human decorating my skeleton. A caricature of myself. This feeling leaves me feeling insecure and more often than that, lonely. I wonder if others feel this way.

It has occurred to me more recently that the great disparity between me and other people is there is something changing in me. In a world of fast-paced conveyor belt customer service, I am not the woman I used to be. I used to be able to adopt a lively persona jumping from situation to situation hardly abashed by anything or anyone. Now I find it hard to find that mask. I feel like this is a really good thing. Somewhere along the line of this façade, I feel like I am finding myself nude for the first time. I am bare of all my pretense of having to please people and instead, I am leaning into authenticity and genuine interaction. I worked with the Aspex Gallery recently in Southsea creating collages with creatives and families and just wonderful humans (if you are reading this, thank you so much for coming! You are great!) and I found myself completely at ease, working my way around the room, making suggestions, making little jokes, enjoying the company of wholesome humans and the art of being present. I found my voice flowed easily and gently and I felt completely myself. Cutting out flowers and leaves and sticking them to card, using my hands, small scissors. I felt almost childlike. But also fully grown. I feel like instead of stepping into a role I was stepping into something easier. I feel like I stepped into shoes that felt comfortable and familiar and I didn’t feel guarded or pretend. I felt peaceful. Finally.

33 years I have spent on this Earth so far, spinning round and round the sun and my main question during this time has been ‘what is wrong with me, why don’t I fit in with other people?’ And I think I am realising less the possibility that I am actually an alien from a faraway planet that actually maybe all this time I have been masking. Masking for those who don’t know is the art of protecting yourself from social stigmas or a coping mechanism in many neurodivergent conditions. Here are some examples of masking in ADHD that really struck me as interesting (and also something I struggle with)

. Hiding hyperactivity through calmness, so people think everything is fine, but in reality, you have trouble focusing because your mind jumps from one thing to another too quickly to process what anyone around you is saying at the moment

. Seeming "fine" and not showing any signs that there is a problem when in reality, you are struggling to keep up or maintain relationships

.Being irritable when you force yourself to concentrate on something that doesn't interest you for an extended period of time

. Mimicking or copying other people in social situations so that you will be accepted

.Bottling up intense emotions until you feel sick inside without knowing why (this can sometimes also lead to depression)

I was diagnosed with ADHD and Dyslexia in my last year of university and since then it’s like my understanding of the world has completely been altered. Suddenly I can see all the ways in which I find the world overwhelming or how I have struggled to maintain relationships or why I find tasks so tedious even when I know they are important. And so importantly I am learning about masking. How I have gone for years and years maintaining a lifestyle of chaos and fun and impulsivity and depression and burnout, rinse and repeat over and over. I want to wave my paperwork declaring my conditions to anyone who made me feel stupid or undermined or irrelevant and say ‘Hey you, yeah you! The one who made me feel stupid for never remembering, made me guilty for it, well here is the diagnosis which literally says I have NO SHORT TERM MEMORY! Here is the paperwork that EXPLAINS why telling me to WRITE IT DOWN never helped!! Here in plain language is the knowledge that says I need SUPPORT and YOU didn’t do that!’
I feel like a child again trying to explain to my teachers why I couldn’t find the classroom, why I didn’t know it was Friday, why I can’t comprehend learning RUSSIAN (of all languages for a dyslexic person to try and learn I would say this one was particularly hard and also understandable why I became deeply overwhelmed and wanted to stay home rather than face another lesson with Mrs Griffin where my homework remained undone and my lack of understanding was frustrating to us both as well as incredibly depression inducing)
I feel like an adult me being made to feel stupid for not remembering when my shift starts or that a shift has been swapped and not keeping up with the changes. Being told that I am the point of frustration for not remembering what someone has just asked of me. Feeling like a bad person for not having the capacity for social occasions when I have been trying to keep up with the societal expectations of my job all week. For not having a safe space to allow myself the peace of switching off my ever active brain to just be myself for awhile.

This masking has been driving me for so long on automatic that I didn’t even know she was there. Bitsifind is such a cathatic space for me and always has been and I wonder now if that is because it is one of the only spaces for me where there is no pretense. I can always show up as my authentic self. I can be in the best mood and share it with the world, but I can also embody my darker moods, my angry moods, and my overwhelm and actually express my feelings without repercussions because it is all just my human experience and actually, now I am noticing that more and more do I want to turn away from my masked compadre safe though she has kept me all these years? I want to tell people ‘I can’t show up’ ‘I can’t commit to another plan’ ‘I will not allow you to talk to me this way’ ‘I will do my life at my own pace in my own time and will no longer be entertaining the idea of leading a neurotypical life’

I wonder what would happen if I was just myself? I am going to find out.

I am going to take my mask off. Live in my true emotions. Limit my capacities. Seek catharsis in authenticity and ground myself in the trust that I know what is right for me and my brain and my body. And any time I feel that mask slip over my body I am going to try my best to step away and lean back into this reception of genuine emotion, harder though it may sometimes be. I want to be the person that shows up because they can and not because they should, I want to listen and respond with calm and enjoyment in the conversation and not just to have a response. I want to TAKE MY TIME to do things effectively and not just rush through life because of overwhelming pressure. I want life to slow down. So I must slow down. I am seeking something and always have been since the start of bitsifind and that is me. And finally, I feel like I am holding out a hand to myself with a deeper understanding and unwavering trust and support, I am my own friend, lover, work colleague and confidant. I have my own back. I want to lead us toward a more confident, capable, and stable future. I am doing that every single day.

I feel like I am finally being compassionate to myself on such a deep level. I am creating time for myself to heal and accepting help to do that. I am realising more and more why I find ‘simple tasks’ difficult and looking for alternatives or finally being able to say to everyone ‘this is me, this is my capacity’ fully myself as much as can be, the good, the bad, the ugly, the disorganised, the creative, the lover of life and the constant sleeper, the finally honouring my emotions. Me.

It’s time to take off the mask.

Until next time babies,

Love from,
Bitsifind x