My Flatmate Is A Dog And A Slower Pace Of Life

Every morning I wake up in the arms of the love of my life. Her heart beats against my ear as my head lays on her chest. Her chest is soft and hairy. The sun pours across our shared double bed and our intertwined bodies. Her eyes open slowly to meet mine and I kiss her nose. ‘Phoebe.’ I say ‘do you want to get some food?’ My love leaps from the bed landing on all fours and scrabbles up the stairs of our little flat, excited and ready for a new day. The love of my life. She is a dog.

Recently my routine has looked a lot like this. We wake up, I make her breakfast, I make mine. We eat together, we watch TV and the sun comes up as we snuggle under the duvet. I love her and she loves me and life feels simple at last. There is no rush to my day. No whoosh of anxiety in my body. I slowly get done the things I’ve looked forward to the night before. I feel like January is giving me back my strength, the latter part of last year was spent deeply swimming in the depths of my mental health which seemed hazardous and fragile, like a dancer in a china shop, everything in place but tinkling lightly as she dances ever closer to danger. Sometimes there was a smash.

Many times there was a smash.

I have become so used to living in a state of rebuilding this part of my life feels well worn, almost an old friend. I welcome change without fear now, I just say ‘oh, it’s you again, well do come in and get some tea, let’s talk’ and we do for hours, days, weeks. Sometimes it’s taken months. Negotiations with my heart mind and body have been argumentative and often we fire off different points, the people we have to please, the commitments we have made, the pathway we have chosen that have left us confused and conflicted. But this month I have taken the time to slow down. I moved on from my job and moved into something part time. I’ve settled into a weekly routine of making art and going to the gym and walking with Phoebe. I am creating art in the evenings again but this time it’s not rushed in one day trying and praying and begging for it to work out an elastic band across my chest. No now I create slowly and with purpose. I take my time. And if I don’t want to because my mental health feels hard, I have time in my week to say no. Something previously that evaded me, the choice to say no. Now I can come home and get my duvet, get my dog and get cozy. And my babies I have needed it. Just a month of rest, no thoughts in my head to tangle me and upset me. No worries about life eating me and chewing me. I feel almost empty, but not numb.

Almost cleansed.

I love this slow time in my life to make choices, to think about what I need, to make the next steps and actually take time off of life for awhile. I’ve needed it for so long.

A new feeling is coming for me. I like it, it feels like calm, it feels like a hug. I feel like myself a little more every day, something I’m discovering. Or recovering. It feels like recovery. It feels like me.

I feel like I am choosing myself again and again recently. It feels like I am regaining a voice that felt whispery and lost. I feel abundant with time and I love it. I love having time to rest my body and be in my body. I’ve been swimming this month and running. God running. I never thought I could find such catharsis in something so demanding on the body, but as my legs and feet pull me across the common or bounce along on the treadmill my physicality transforms my mind, I sweat and I grunt and my music is metal. And I feel weightless and free and revived.

2024 is going to be different. She is going to be slow. There is artwork in the future I’m looking forward to, there is uni work to do, I want to draw for each and every one of you and I finally have TIME and I couldn’t be more pleased.

But for January it’s me and Phoebe, our sofa and our duvet and I am so okay with that.

And I have to say THANK YOU! Thank you to each and every one of you who has loved and supported and understood me last year when my mental health was so turbulent, thank you for being there and reading this blog and supporting my art, the impact you all have on my little life is enormous and I am so grateful to all of you! There has been times where Bitsifind has been my leaning post and my guide to get me through and you have been there the whole time, holding my hand and telling my heart it’s okay. So thank you and you and you and YOU! You mean everything to me!

So very happy belated 2024 babies, let’s have a slow and beautiful year together and really take our time.

Until next time,

Love, BITSIFIND x