To Me It Feels Like Drowning

Today is not a low frequency day. Today feels like drowning.

I am submerged somewhere between self destruction and self belief, breaking the surface to gasp at fresh feelings and new patterns only to flail back into deeper waters into the more murky parts of my soul.

Today required a big T-shirt, socks and compassion. Instead I treated myself to self deprecation and destain. I know better than this. I practise this. I preach this. Yet still I find myself here at midnight, angsty and raging like a teenager.

I have never felt good enough. That is the cold hard truth. Never smart enough. Never pretty enough. Never worth anything or could amount to anything. I struggled for years academically, dropping out of school and working in low paid unskilled jobs. I taught myself a narrative of worthlessness before handing over the reins to boyfriends who reaffirmed it. My patterns continuously and brutally taught to me over and over.

Stupid. Worthless. Crazy. Sensitive. Idiot. Ugly. Awful. Replaceable. Dispensable.

A mantra of cruelty inflicted from my mind and those I kept close for far too long. I am drowning in those words. I am a believer and these words are my God.

These words could be my resilience.

Stupid.

I am not stupid, I am clever and I have the capacity to learn and have proven to myself time and time again that I am capable of a great many things, like building this website, running a business, working in management, training staff, learning how to use photoshop, learning how to talk to people, being personable with strangers, learning every single day that presents a new challenge means a new day of overcoming it.

Worthless.

I am not worthless. I am of value to my loved ones, to my friends and family, to my love, my neighbours, my dog. I am of value to myself. I am my first love, I treat myself with compassion and kindness, I respect myself and my attitude to life. I am no longer running on fight or flight. I am learning for the very first time the inner determination it will take to swim these waters and question my belief system, to challenge it, to let it go.

Crazy.

I am not crazy. I am allowed to have emotions and to express them without harm. I can be frustrated and be heard. I can be angry and be loved. I can be unkind to myself and receive reassurance. I can be confident and be cowardly. I can be jealous and still be a good friend. I can be sad and still be a good lover. I am not crazy for having deep feelings that can sometimes feel overwhelming or too heavy to carry. I am allowed to express myself and be heard. It is not a burden to be hurt and need help. The right people will lift you. You are also your own right person.

Sensitive.

There is no shame in having a soft soul that hurts deeply, a soul where grief and happiness reside in the same living room heart. Your sincerity and love make you a kind woman, a person who feels deeply and means deeply and there is no badness in that. You can cry at your sad songs, you can laugh at that line in a book, you can hold hands and fall in love. You see the flowers in a way the world rarely can. You are kindness and softness and light. You are a nice person. You are full of love.

Idiot.

You are not an idiot. You are a woman who has an extreme capacity to put your needs last. You stayed in relationships too long that didn’t deserve your soft heart and kind voice. You overlooked your education to avoid men hurting you. You hid from your academic studies to hide from the shame of not knowing how to begin. You squirrelled away from conversations surrounding finances through fear of being discovered as someone who struggles to understand money let alone how to manage it. You shamed yourself again and again for the things life teaches you along the way for not knowing it the whole time. But how could you know when you just need to ask for help? You are not an idiot, you just haven’t learnt how the world works yet.

Ugly.

You are not ugly. You were bought up surrounded by narratives set out to restrain you and place you in boxes you had no business being in. Reflected in magazines and imagery targeted against you, you learned self hate. You let her go. You let hate go a long time ago. Don’t let this mantra flood you and bring you back to that place. Smooth your inner child’s hair and hold her hand. She is safe now.

Awful.

You are not awful. You are one of the kindest people, you put such nice energy out into the world. You care about everyone and everything. You extend yourself to strangers on the bus, smile at people on the street, you nurture the people who don’t nurture themselves. You offer love to people who need a smile in their day, you make people laugh when they are sad. You are compassionate and empathetic and you really try and listen. You are soft. You are kind. You are lovely. You are worthwhile. You hold space. You hold value. You are important.

Replaceable.

No one and I mean no one will ever be you. No one will tell that joke the same or even think of it the way you do. No one will give hugs the way you can. You are one of a kind, completely and utterly unique. People are lucky to know you, to smile with you, to share space with you, to make memories with you. You are entirely irreplaceable. Only you will ever be you. You must hold onto that. You are a seed and you are growing every day into a flower towering toward the sky. Even on days like today which become overwhelming and difficult and panicky. Only you have the colour of your own unique petals. Only you can see this sunlight.

Dispensable.

The only people who have ever lost you were those who weren’t supposed to be there. You spent lifetimes wishing into the night to not be abandoned, to not lose loves, to wish them back to you with their hearts open. But they left you and hurt you and it has wounded you deeply. They didn’t love you the way you deserved, and baby you deserve the best kind of love, the safest kind of love. You fear abandonment and apologise profusely to anyone who sees your raw vulnerable underbelly, who sees you fragile, who sees you in any form other than the caricature you sometimes feel like. Please don’t go you want to say to loved ones whose hands hold yours tightly, please don’t go I can be better. I will feel better soon. But those who love you won’t go. And those who aren’t meant to be there won’t stay. You are not dispensable to those who love you. To those that stay. You are an good person just as you are. Entirely as you are. You will never have to beg for someone to stay in your heart. You are enough.

I really hope if you are feeling sad or hard on yourself you are listening. You are seeing. Your words too could be your resistance. You too can feel and be upset and feel completely hopeless and still be compassionate. You too are just a baby in this big world, you too are learning to swim. You are enough, in this moment right now. Right now. Today you have the power to change your narrative and challenge your perspective. Why don’t you take a pen, write out your own mantra, challenge it? Write down every reason you know to be true against it. It is time for us to start feeling better, to talk to ourselves better. Then love will help heal our hearts and minds.

Today felt like drowning. These are my reasons to keep swimming.

Until next time babies,

Love from Bitsifind x