So Here We Go Again
So here we go again, looking at the moon through my bedside window, it’s nice here. When I am in my room it is silent, my heart can finally be still.
It has taken me awhile to acknowledge that I have been depressed for a long time. Possibly most of my adult life. It has taken me until now to acknowledge that it is time to be compassionate about it. I have had varying degrees of overwhelmed numbness for as long as I remember. A love of people with a side serving of complete disconnect. Sometimes it feels like I am behind glass. Sometimes it feels like I am the show and everyone is watching. I have often found myself being performative to those around me, trying to be personable, jovial and light hearted. Recently I have been leaning into my heart more, trying to be genuine and sincere to myself to allow myself the honesty of not feeling well. It seems in this quiet acceptance of my mental health I am able to be more empathetic to myself instead of bursting at the seams under the falsetto of my smile. And it’s not like I am not happy, it’s more that I run on neutral currently. I am quietly enjoying the progress of this discovery that actually I am feeling better than I have in a long time in being so honest with my emotions. Its also a lot easier to cope with hard days because I am learning to support myself with kind nurture instead of disallowing myself to feel any kind of negative emotion, suppressing it into my chest.
Today I cried to music on my Spotify playlist, years of memories flooding my eyes, hands I’ve held and hold no more. Friends I no longer share smiles with. Hearts that no longer align. I cried for the the sunrise I saw in Forest Hill last week, knowing I would possibly never move back to London, my heart yearning for home. I cried for the boys I’ve kissed and the holes they left in my heart. I cried because I love living in my house and simultaneously wish I could be in Bristol with my friends. I cried because Phoebe looks so sweet and fat and cute lying on the sofa behind me. I let out so many healing tears and now here I am looking at the moon and feeling quite calm.
I remember people have always said I am ‘too sensitive’ like it was a bad thing to ever be anything other than happy. That I feel all my emotions so deeply has always been a point of contention for exes who have scrutinised me or tried to change me because they couldn’t acknowledge their own. I could never fit into the boxes they tried to place me in. My sensitivities are my strength, my emotions and thoughts allow me to feel the world around me like so few are able to. I wilfully cry at flowers and skies, I will dance to music as I walk up the road. I smile at the sunshine for kissing my skin. I feel the darkest of dark thoughts in my brain. And I touch leaves as I walk past bushes. I want to taste everything the world will offer me. My world is so beautifully childlike. I never want to lose my curiosity. So tonight I am wishing on the moon.
Not to make me better, but to help me accept. Help me accept that I am in a place where I am just a baby, starting out my life for the first new time. That I am surrounded by love and support and that I am still growing into the flower I want to be. That I am worthy of happiness and contentment and that my self love is stronger than it ever has been, that my determination will lead me to the places I wish to be. I wish on the moon for peace and for guidance and for me to keep myself exactly how I should be, full of sensitivities and childlike curiosity, that my world will not dim due to the depression that weighs on me from time to time. To allow me the space to recover and the love to move forward.
I believe in me just the same as I believe in you, you have got this. Take your time. It’s all waiting when you are ready.
I wonder if you are wishing on the moon tonight? I hope you are.
Until next time babies
Love Bitsifind x