It Started With A Jumpsuit

It started with a jumpsuit.

A seemingly simple task that given five minutes could be easily achieved and yet I found myself buried deep in my workshop/shed 5 hours later now on a different mission. Suddenly I found myself submerged in recycling and rubbish, clothing and Christmas decorations, I swam among boxes of paint and paperwork all the while Phoebe, my dog not my lover, loudly squeaked a pig plastic pig around the chaos.

It is here I stopped to contemplate.

I have always been a sensitive soul, a gentle breeze and flowers enough to make take pause, the right kind of Springtime sunlight dappling through trees enough to make me cry. A festival with loud music enough to make me feral, the night time is full of promise. The right wine, the right amount of cigarettes and I could stay forever in hazy dawn mornings and memories of people I’ve loved.

I have been thinking a lot recently of people I’ve loved. I have had so many beautiful friendships, laughter so loud it shook the trees, stories and love shared over pasta and pizzas and morning coffees on the concrete stoop of my old flat. Nights spent dancing in the arms of women who have loved me, men who have claimed to. I sting with the longing for it all. I wish I could reach out to my long lost loves and tell them again how much I loved them, had I known how things would end. I would stay for one more coffee, one more hand held, one last kiss.

I am realising recently how important it is to treasure the moment, to stay grounded in the present because the past has happened and the future isn’t written yet, but as I sit here today surrounded by my collected memories and treasures I cannot help but feel everything, the beautiful hazy pink past of my life.

This year has been a big one. I’ve changed jobs, I’ve changed my home, my friendships, my priorities. I feel that the thing that has changed most of all has been me. I have always been a sensitive soul. I used to share it so willingly, inviting people into me like a moth to a lightbulb, the fixer of all hearts, the listener of all problems, the person to show up to everything for anyone for any reason, up late into the night answering phone calls to friends in need, trying to help ex boyfriends to stop being so aggressive to me by trying to understand their anger, by trying to stay responsive and not reactive when people would take advantage of my people pleasing and passive nature.

Until one day I didn’t.

Last year I went through a huge personal shift in perspective that shook the foundations of my world, it forced everything to stop. At the end days of what was a blossoming toxic relationship, a overloaded deadline after deadline of university work, Bitsifind was at a all time standstill with backdated artwork unable to be produced by my emotionally overwhelmed being, my guilt mountainous and sorrowful, and friendships that were becoming hard to relate to or show up for and work ever there and ever needing. My world stopped. I won’t go into the details here because I feel it is so hard to speak about still. But it was enough. Everything that felt important and pressing flatlined out of existence and I had to prioritise myself. I moved back to my family home and in the arms of my loves I grieved. I slept and I ate and I cried some more. Rinse and repeat for months. I drank tea and sat with my mum, I held hands with my brother and sisters. I cuddled all three of the dogs, night after night spent in my mums bed, sleeping in a pile of animals and lavender duvets. I bought myself flowers and I ate triple chocolate cookies from the co op. And in all of this grief and loss, I pushed it all away.

I broke up with everyone.

Namely:

My job

My boyfriend

My education

My friends

My art

My home

And in their absence I found abundance. In the interlude between grief and sunlight I realised that I had been burning out for so long.

Suddenly I found that I only wanted people in my life who were soft and kind and gentle with my heart. For so long I had been surrounded by harsh edges and sharp words I didn’t know how to feel safe and calm. Analysed and scrutinised by people who said they loved me I ate up their criticism and swallowed it whole allowing my soul to sour. For so long I listened and tried to be accommodating, changing and shifting, trying to get it right so people would love me and accept me in all my little ways. It is no surprise I felt lost with who I am. I had spent so long masking and mirroring I wasn’t even conscious.

So I gathered my strength and contemplated my heart.

I no longer wanted to be so accepting. When people treat me with disdain, I wasn’t going to be passive anymore. I wanted to stand my ground and say ‘no. You will not treat me like that.’ And let that be the end of it. No more discovery, no more asking why, no more educating people with how to treat me, no more me. I am too tired.

I want to let people in my life who show up for me, who share my interested and lived experiences, who share my easy humour and listen to my stories and let me absorb theirs. I want to be devoured, not utilised. not judged, not criticised, nor told to change, not hurt by people who don’t even seem to like me.

I want to prioritise love.

My own love for me had to be so strong at a time where I felt so unbelievably fragile, I had to show up. I connected to myself on such a deep level in a way I had never felt, a way I never thought I could feel. In a way I still feel writing this blog post right now. I radiate an energy now that is still soft, still kind. But now I will not tolerate less. I prioritise love. I used to feel it was what others could bring me if I changed enough, I realise I needed to change it just wasn’t to others specifications. My own expectations had to be that of a soulmate, I had to show myself that with love you only grow, you will never flounder or diminish, you will only extend and become bolder and brighter and yes there will be loss, yes there can still be hurt, but anything and anyone who is made for you will not pass you by. And anything that does, wasn’t yours anyway.

I set myself the following goals.

To surround myself with love, fully and abundantly, to be around like minded people and lived experiences and no more deeply analytical conversationalists (who in hindsight for my little dyslexia and adhd brain found highly confusing and upsetting)

To lessen and reduce my workload as much as possible to rest and gather strength. This meant no work, no art, and what I always felt was an admission of failure was actually an admission of being human. When I spoke to so many of you about artworks going out late or having to extend projects you were all so kind and my heart thanks you. It is because of you and you and you that I was able to rest. You understood me with so much kindness in a time so difficult for me that my heart is full of love for this community and this little space that is my very own. Thank you.

To show up authentically as much as possible. Whether that meant telling a friend no when invited out, or having to say how I felt when we argued, even though it frightens me, I spoke up. To only be the life and soul of a place only if I felt in the mood and not because I can wear it like a familiar pair of slippers. To dance if I wanted to. To sleep if I wanted to. To look after my mental health as a priority at all times and not push it away. Allow there to be happiness and sadness in equal measure and nurture and treasure both.

To be the change I wanted to see in my circumstances.

I wanted a house with a garden and a workspace and a full time job and to be creating art fluently and joyfully. To set myself up with a routine in my daily life that felt manageable and realistic and allowed for bad days. To have flowers and people and dinners and laughter fill this house. A place where I can unwind and unmask and live entirely in my own existence without guilt or shame.

Today I sit in that house, the sun pouring through the single pane windows as I ruffle through these feelings and share them with you.

Sometimes last year has felt so big and scary and depressing and huge, I forget that I am okay. I am lucky and grateful to be as I am with my sensitive soul and my soft heart and I am grateful. Last year was so large. I pushed away so much. But I invited so much in and I am proud and excited for the future, here are some of the things I am grateful for:

My beautiful family and friends who listen and lift me and keep my emotions and heart safe. For those I have connected with last year my heart is so full of you. For those I lost connection with know I still love you, I hope we can reconnect now my heart and mind feel level again.

For my beautiful dog who is asleep on my lap while I write. Her snoring is soothing and constant and sometimes I feel she is the only thing that keeps me grounded when everything has felt so changeable.

My love, you do not know how much I needed a soul like yours. Consistent and kind and helpful, strong and gentle and supportive. Your heart fixed parts of my heart I thought would always feel broken. I realise now that this is the love I needed all along. And whatever happens I will carry that with me and know that is the soft love I have always deserved and I will never settle for less, you surround me and encourage me and keep me safe. My heart and yours will always be connected and I think of you every day. Thank you for being here, thank you for staying.

My little seaside home that I dreamt of, a real house with a big workshop and a garden and flowers and wooden floors, I don’t know how you found me and why you chose me but I am endlessly grateful that you have. I will nourish you and plant with you. I will love you.

And YOU my love, you the reader, who made it here today, I am so grateful for you and your love and support and understanding. Your beautiful heart. Thank you for being here, thank you for being mine.

And for me. Who I am finally understanding, unmasking, revealing and seeing. I am finally listening to my needs and aligning them and supporting them. I am grateful for me, I promise I always will be. I wish i always had been.

Today started with a jumpsuit. A promise to upload things onto vinted. A endeavour to clear the shed. It turned into a leap into my heart and all my thoughts and reasonings.

And I eventually found the jumpsuit.

Until next time babies,

Love from

Bitsifind x